Grieving with horses

How do you grieve for someone you never met? It is a heavy topic but I decided to write about it because two friends recently shared that their families lost an infant suddenly. How do you even talk about something like this?

This reminded me that horses grieve, and are very good at it, if there is such a thing as “good grieving.” 

I recently went to visit family and thought about my brother who I never met. He died of “sudden infant death syndrome” if you want the official medical diagnosis. He was my parents first born son. Thanks to many who have helped me learn to grieve, it never ends. Grieving only softens.

Same with horses! Don’t believe me? Watch what happens when you separate friends in a herd, or if a horse is sold or dies. Their friends will cry out, walk the fence, isolate from others and often become dull and uninterested in their jobs. Horses’ bonding is a matter of life and death for them. Literally! When in the wild, horses depend on their friends to survive. It is not just a social interaction.

I read recently “loneliness magnifies grief.” How do horses process grief? I am not totally clear but it is not the same as humans from my experience. Horses form strong bonds with other horses, as well as with their human caretakers. When a horse experiences the loss of a companion, whether it be another horse or a human, they may exhibit signs of grief. Some common signs of grief in horses include:

• Changes in behavior, such as becoming more withdrawn or agitated

• Loss of appetite or weight loss

• Vocalizations, such as calling out for their lost companion

• Increased vigilance or restlessness

• Changes in sleeping patterns

Horses may also show signs of grief through their interactions with other horses or humans. They may seek comfort from their remaining companions, or display behaviors that indicate they are looking for their lost friend. Providing extra attention and care to a grieving horse, as well as allowing them time to adjust to their loss, can help them cope with their grief in a healthy way.

So how can a human grieve with a horse? There is no simple answer. Grief is a unique and individual experience, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It's important to be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate the grieving process. The biggest lesson is to be respectful and use good boundaries. Avoid placing the burden on the horse. Instead, own it for yourself. 

Allow yourself to feel your emotions. It's important to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel the range of emotions that come with grief, such as sadness, anger, guilt, and confusion. Don't try to suppress or ignore your feelings. Ask for support with the horses. Talking about your feelings and emotions with the horses. Yes! They will listen. Again, use good boundaries and practice silence so they can respond. 

Take care of yourself. During times of grief, it's important to prioritize self-care. Make sure you visit the barn regularly and keep a routine with the horse. 

Find healthy ways to express your emotions. Expressing your emotions through learning new ways to communicate with horses or learning a new activity together can be a helpful way to release pent-up feelings and process your grief.

Remember to grieve at your own pace. Everyone grieves differently, so it's important to allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Don't compare your grieving process to others, and give yourself the time and space you need to heal. 

Horses don’t subscribe to our time calendars. Try to tune into their time frames. It is different from our frantic schedules. 

And most important…..ask the horse how they grieve. They will share if you take the time to listen. My brother, David, who I never met, would have loved being with the horses, I imagine. Who knows? Maybe he is riding a horse in a parallel universe.

Camron Adibi is a horseman, PATH Therapeutic Horse Riding Instructor and autism coach who holds a master’s degree in education. He offers equine assisted therapy to anyone who is open-minded to the experience.